


everything he knows

by bluedevil18



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 15:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17510924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedevil18/pseuds/bluedevil18
Summary: Thor isn't entirely sure what's wrong with his brother, but one moment he's angry and yelling at him, and then the next he's okay and actually nuzzling into him. It's tearing him apart, especially the screams at night, but he loves Loki. It's all he's ever known for him.





	everything he knows

He knows Loki has always been distant. No, if he thinks about it long enough, they used to be so close that anyone would have thought they were joined at the hip. But time passed and they slowly drifted apart, and Thor noticed how Loki began to close himself off more and more away from him. It hurt, but he couldn’t blame it on his brother, the way he acted. Thor was the chosen one, the ‘golden’ one, he supposes, and he was getting ready to take over as king. But deep down, he didn’t want the throne. He just wanted to fight side by side with his brother, but he trained alone and Loki holed up in the library reading up on spells. From where he was in the gardens, he could usually see Loki curled up in the large window that looked out from the library. When he’d take a break, with sweat pouring down his body, he’d tug his shirt off and wipe his face, before looking up at his brother, and sometimes he’d find with surprise to see Loki watching him. He’s fit, he knows this, but somehow under the scrutinizing gaze of the younger prince, he’d find himself suddenly self conscious. 

He’d try to get closer to Loki. But he couldn’t, no matter how much he tried, and when the frost giants invaded on his coronation day, Thor realized with a deep pain in his chest, that Loki let them in.

And he fell from the bifrost.

Thor lost part of himself that day.

But Loki grew more and more unstable. The attack on Midgard confused him, but he still went after him, begged him, pleaded for him to come home.

“ _ We were raised together, we played together, we fought together! Do you remember none of that? _ ”

“ _ I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was and should be king! _ ”

There was no use begging for him when Thor knew he already lost him.

“ _ I don’t think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy’s brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him. _ ”

“ _ Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he’s my brother. _ ”

“ _ He killed eighty people in two days. _ ”

“ _ He’s adopted _ .”

Adopted. Why does that word hurt so much to him? He just wants his brother back. But with a ship full of people who are terrified and a home no longer to go to, he doesn’t know what to do. He’s not a king, he’s never been one. He doesn’t know how to rule his people, he’s just as lost as they are. He’s worried about Loki. His brother clearly has a few problems, but he refuses to let them come to the surface. He’s so good with the Asgardians, constantly checking to their every need and even helping with problems on the ship. Thor feels helpless, feels so useless. Because he’s supposed to be their  _ king,  _ and all he can do is watch from the sidelines at the work Loki puts in. He can hear Loki at night when he thinks the Thunderer is asleep. He didn’t want to, but they have to share a room to accommodate the others on the ship and their families. Loki lets his walls down at night, and sometimes, sometimes it’s not all bad, just whimpering, softly and whispering to himself that he’s okay,  _ he’s alright  _ and even though he knows the other god has cast a soundproofing spell around their room, he didn’t think about it to do the bathroom so Thor can’t hear him screaming. And it tears into him, those screams. He wants to help, everything in his body screaming at him to do so but he can’t move, it’s like he’s paralyzed. He doesn’t know if it’s Loki’s doing, or his own body, but still, he grows frustrated and angry. He can’t move, he needs to get to his brother, and Loki’s screams grow louder, and suddenly they stop, and Thor is no longer stuck. He pushes himself off the bed and is over to the bathroom, banging the door open, and Loki’s there with blood running down his arms, oozing out of thick gashes and Thor panics.

Loki shoves him weakly when the older brother tries to help him but Thor just tells him to stop,  _ stop it, Loki! _

“Let me help you, damn it!”

“I don’t need your help! Leave me alone, you stupid oaf!”

“Loki, just stop and let me help you!”

Loki shoves him again. “I said I don’t need your help!” With a burst of his seidr, Thor is slamming against the bathroom wall, head cracking painfully. Loki’s shoulders are heaving and his face is plain for anyone to read, terror and horror written on it. It’s been a while, but tears pour freely down his cheeks and he screams again. Screams for Thor to get out, screams for him to leave him the hell alone. Thor doesn’t know what to do, he just gets up and leaves. Leaves the bathroom, leaves the room and walks to the small ‘throne’ at the front of the ship, and sinks down into it.

It hurts, like someone put hot iron to his skin. Flesh being pulled from the bones of his skeleton at every scream that echos in his ears, ring loud in his head. It hurts so much, gods does it hurt. He doesn’t know what’s going on, and he hates it, can’t stand not knowing. It’s led to things that - he doesn’t want to remember, but they were never good things that turned out. He needs to know, needs to know little details and -

And he honestly doesn’t know how this happened without him noticing. How did he not notice the signs and piece them together, and  _ how did he not know _ ?

It hurts. So badly, does it hurt. There’s blood when he closes his eyes. Those screams loud in his ears. His brother looked about half mad, with his skin painted red and his eyes wide with desperation. Half mad and half insane and everything that he knows the brother he got to know, the brother he grew up with, isn’t.

It hurts, the pain is all he knows in that moment. He clutches at his chest, the pain searing through his heart in a way that has him actually believing he’s dying, and his stomach is heaving. He’s on his knees, gasping for breath, trying desperately to get air into his lungs, but they won’t expand enough for it. They cave in on him, and he knows it’s all in his head, he knows, gods does he know, but -

But logic, it seems, means nothing in the face of this.

 

\--

 

It stings. His nails dig into his skin, catches on the open wounds, and he hisses, drawing his arms close. It stings, but it doesn’t hurt any worse than it did before.  _ Nothing  _ was worse than before, when everything was pounding away at his brain, at his head, like someone took Mjolnir to his skull and had a party with it. He would have done anything,  _ anything  _ to make it go away. Anything and everything and -

Blood is slick against his fingers. There’s something - a presence, a thought, or perhaps even a person in its own, twisted right - pushing against him, making him want to scream and scream.

He’s not insane. He knows he’s not. It’s just-

Does he really know if he’s not? He let those frost giants in, simply because he didn’t want Thor on the throne of Asgard, simply because he hated himself. The monster that he is, the absolute..it hurts to think. He’s nothing but a disgrace to everyone, including himself, maybe he is insane. Maybe he even deserves this. His chest burns, and pain runs like fire, burning through his veins, and it hurts so bad, everything hurts so bad, and he just wants it to go away. He can’t breathe, his chest feels so tight, and where is any air? Why won’t it go in him, fill him up until he feels like he’s bursting with it?

At times like this, when he’s alone with only the pain of his body, and the pain in his head, he thinks that maybe, if he wasn’t insane, then he wishes he’d rather be then.

 

\--

 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been there, doesn’t know how long he’s been on the floor trying to gulp oxygen into his lungs when Loki shows up, bandages wrapped securely around his arms and a soft look on his face. He’s confused when Loki slides into his lap and nuzzles into his chest, but this is his chance to comfort his brother, so he lets him, just combs his fingers through black locks in silence. Loki doesn’t speak for a while, and Thor thinks he’s fallen asleep before he’s speaking up and breaking the quiet air.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Is his automatic reply. For slamming him against the wall? For causing the pain in his chest? Loki just shrugs his shoulders.

“Everything, I guess.” He doesn’t stop running his fingers through his hair, and Loki makes no move to get off his lap. It feels strangely comforting, this position. It doesn’t feel awkward, doesn’t feel forced at all. In fact, it almost feels like this is where Loki belongs. Right here with him, close to him so Thor can hold him forever.

“What’s going on with you, brother?” But Loki is quiet, silent, and it buzzes loudly in his ears, but he wasn’t expecting an answer if he were to be honest with himself. Loki moves, and Thor stops messing with the soft locks. He slips off his lap with no words, just looks at him with empty eyes and leaves without a sound, and Thor is left wondering what he’s supposed to do.

 

\--

 

It happens again, the screaming. This time, Thor makes no move to get up, makes no move to go to him. Just squeezes his eye shut tight, with tears threatening to fall. His chest tightens uncomfortably, to the point of pain, but he doesn’t move. He can’t breathe, and his body feels like it’s on fire. But he doesn’t move. His heart feels like it wants to leave his chest, it pounds against his ribs so hard and he swear he can feel it tear, can feel it bleeding, but he doesn’t move. He digs nails into his palms until he feels sticky blood, but he doesn’t move.

He doesn’t move when the bed dips, and Loki slips under the covers. He doesn’t move when Loki wraps his arms around his torso, palms resting warmly against his chest, thimble fingers splayed. But the moment he feels that body slump against his back, the moment he feels his chest slow, and his breathing evening out, he turns in his arms and pulls his brother close to him. Pulls his lithe frame against his chest, and holds him tightly. He buries his face in Loki’s neck and breathes in his scent, and he chokes on a sob, tears slipping down his cheeks, and fights so hard against the cries that threaten to wrack his body so painfully.

He can’t help his brother, and he feels so helpless, so useless, so  _ worthless _ . He wants to scream so badly, but nothing comes out, and he can only whimper softly, pressing kisses to the black of his brother’s locks.

“Brother..” it’s soft, and Thor lifts his head to look carefully at Loki’s face. His eye flicks over it, ocean searching, but his face is soft, relaxed, and he looks almost peaceful. He mumbles Thor’s name and nuzzles his cheek more into the blond’s chest. Thor takes a deep breath, and pulls him closer, holds him so tight, afraid that he’ll just slip through his fingers the moment he lets go.

\-- 

 

One moment Loki will be throwing things at his brother, screaming at him, spitting hateful words, and the next he’ll be mewling softly, nuzzling into him. He doesn’t know how to go about this situation. What was the solution?

“Thor?” He hums, a low vibrate in his chest. “Do you love me?” He turns his one eye down humbly, cocking a brow.

“Of course, I do. You know this.”

“Do I?” He mumbles, clutching the fabric of Thor’s top in his fist loosely.

It stings a bit, but Thor shrugs it off. He’s not entirely sure what’s going on with his brother. He absentmindedly runs his fingers through Loki’s hair, thinking deep. He thinks he hears Loki say something else, but he can’t hear it, it doesn’t register into his head, nothing does. Just the self destructive thoughts of his own mind. He feels like such a failure that he can’t piece together exactly what’s wrong with him or even how to help him. It tears into him, picks at his mind until he feels like there’s nothing left, and soon they’re just picking at air. Bruises adorn the under of his eye, purple bleeding into the tan of his cheek, and his head throbs, a constant ache underneath his skin.

“Thor.” He swallows, word echoing around his head, ringing loudly in his ears.

“ _ T’or! _ ”

“Thor.”

It’s loud in his head, and he grips Loki’s hip firmly, hard enough he’s sure it’ll leave bruises, but it doesn’t register fully that he could be hurting his brother, and all he sees is emerald, bright shining emerald. The same emerald he remembers clearly, opening for the first time to gaze with an unfocus at him, he whose own bright blue oceans watched with curiosity, and he whose small nimble fingers took that small pale chubby hand into his own.

“Brother.” He snaps out of it, fingers loosening their grip, and he gazes at Loki.

“What?” He pulls his brother closer to him, higher on his lap, palm resting wide on the small of his back, and thick tan fingers splayed across the expanse.

“You were out of it for a minute there. Are you alright?” He nods, eye sliding shut, and he rests his forehead against Loki’s shoulder, exhaustion seeping in, taking root deep in his bones and he can’t help the sigh that finds its way past his lips.

He feels a hand on his back, warmth seeping through the cloth of his shirt, before its sliding up underneath the hem and resting on his skin, and it’s so warm, that Thor makes a soft sound, nuzzling more into his brother’s neck.

“I do love you,” he speaks, a low rumble, and Loki just inhales sharply, saying nothing.

“I love you so much it hurts. I love everything you have to offer. I love you when you’re sad, when you’re happy, when you’re angry. I love you when your eyes shine with mischief and light up when you’re content. I love you when your eyes flash dangerously and sharp when you’re angry and lashing out. You’re beautiful in every form, in this one, with skin like snow and eyes like emeralds. When your skin is ice and cool and your eyes are shining rubies that are held in pools of wine. With your intricate markings that paint your skin.” He lifts his head to look at him, blue eyes flashing sharply. “I love you when you’re impossible to handle, when you don’t listen. I love you when all I want to do is shake you. I love you when the sun settles down for the night, and when it rises bright for the day. I love you when the stars shine brilliantly against the night sky and when the lights are guiding all of the realms. I love you when all the words you spit are laced in poison. When your smile holds nothing but a malicious intent. I love your silver sharpe tongue, and I love you when I think you’ve gone absolutely mad. I love every single thing about you. I love you.” His gaze challenges him, almost like he’s daring Loki to try and refute any of that. Every word was true, because at the end of the day, all he wants to do is pull his brother close and never let go. All he wants to do is kiss him softly, so gently that Loki forgets what pain and hurt even was. Wants to map his entire body with his hands, learn all of his nooks and all of his crannies, every crevice he wants to explore and ultimately make him his.

Loki’s eyes are shining suspiciously wet and he rubs at them, trying to force a laugh but he chokes on a sob. “S-shut up, you oaf.” And when he opens his mouth, to tell him that everything he said was true, to just believe it, to believe  _ him _ , Loki is surging forward and pressing chapped lips against his mouth, soft and inviting, and Thor can’t help but smile and snake an arm around his waist and kiss him back. Can’t help but slide his lips against those addicting ones that have him almost thinking he’s drugged with how good it feels.

But Thor loves him, and he will always love him. And he thinks, that with the emotion Loki’s pouring into him, that maybe his brother loves him, too. And even though everything seems so confusing, and that there’s no solution, none at all, maybe it’s enough, maybe it’s something they can live with. Maybe -

Maybe it means that everything’s going to be just fine.


End file.
